The Portland Paradox

It’s ten times harder to get a serving or bartending job here than almost anywhere else . . . but anywhere you go, the service is mediocre at best.

Soy-less Greens

Photo by foodistablog.
Despite my nine years of vegetarianism, I have never been all that into animals. My reasons for going vegetarian were initially selfish–I didn’t like the taste of meat, I thought it would make me lose weight. (I was 12; give me a break.) Later, my reasons evolved to slightly less stupid ones–wanting to [...]

Hey Citrus, Hey Liquor.

Photo by sidewalks flying.
For three years, I worked in a chain restaurant straight out of Waiting. You know, the kind that only ever appear in mall parking lots.  The kind with random collections of tacky 1970s memorabilia adorning the walls, with automatically flushing toilets in the bathrooms, with a drink menu full of sticky-sweet cocktails [...]

Things I Am Qualified to Do For a Living

Write children’s novels.
Write blog posts.
Get people drunk, awkwardly deflect their obnoxious, liquored-up wisecracks.
Get people fat by feeding them overpriced & gigantic portions of deep-fried meat+bacon+too much butter that nobody should ever put in their mouths.
Give people advice that they will never follow.

. . . I’m so screwed. The chances of my ever becoming a responsible [...]

If I Ever Open a Brewery, My First Beer Will Be Called the Dalai Lager

Last week at work, the bartender and I started joking about how the bar could capitalize on the upcoming presidential election frenzy.
“We could serve Baracktails,” I suggested. “What would you put in one of those?”
“Bacardi O, obviously,” he said.
“Or we could do a shot for each candidate,” I said. “Jager-Obamas?”
“Liquid McCains?” he countered.
This spawned an [...]